Quills and Needles

I have chronic pain. I have endometriosis and chronic pelvic pain. Here are some ways to avoid being an asshole with regards to my pain. (I don't speak for all people with chronic pain.)

1. When I tell you I'm in pain, believe me. A person with chronic pain is not "faking". They are not exaggerating, They are not using it as an excuse to get out of something. To accuse them of this is to attack their integrity. And seriously, chronic pain is basically the worst excuse ever. Pain is NOT FUN. And if someone was faking it to get out of something, they'd pretty much have to keep it up forever. Or a really long time, I suppose. If I wanted to get out of something and wanted to fake a medical condition, I'd pick the flu. Also, there's no way to prove the amount of pain someone's in. You just have to trust them.

2. Don't talk to me about pain tolerance. Unless you are my doctor, I don't really want to hear about it. People have told me I have a low pain tolerance; ditto for someone I know, because we have similar issues. I don't know what this means or how they mean it; I pretty much hear "if [x stimulus] was happening to me, I would not hurt as badly, because I'm tough (ergo, you're a wimp.)" It doesn't matter. They are in X amount of pain, and you can either be decent or be an asshole about it. My doctor may have a good reason for bringing up pain tolerance. You don't.

3. Don't dispense unsolicited medical advice. You're not my doctor and you are not me. You do not know better than the two of us (unless you have also gone to medical school and specialized in my particular area, which, well, I doubt is the case.) I am dealing with my pain as best I can. If I'm not using your pain management method or cure, there's probably a good reason.

4. Happy does not equal healed. I can't be miserable my whole life. Granted, there are times when my pain gets me down, and there are times when it's lessened when I feel particularly good. But just because I'm cheerful doesn't mean my pain is gone. Being cheerful is one of my coping mechanisms for the pain, plus of course, there are many non-pain-related reasons to be cheerful: seeing friends, getting packages in the mail, snuggling my kitties... I am not my pain. It's not the only thing going on in my life.

5. There are costs to everything, you just don't see it. If there are no accommodations for me someplace, or if they're available but would mean missing out on stuff, I may just tough it out. I'm going to pay for it later, but I'll do it at home, where no one can see the heightened levels of pain and the increased fatigue. Sure, maybe I can go outside my normal boundaries to do X (maybe! my pain isn't the same every day) but don't ask me to do X if you don't know what the cost is. You wouldn't ask me to pay that if you knew how much it hurt later. Unless you were a total asshole.

6. Sympathy never goes astray. Really. If you want to help, don't try to fix my problem. Help me if I ask for help, listen to me when I tell you things, and be sympathetic. That's all I need. It never gets old.

Here's anothe article of advice: Are You Pain-free? 10 Things Those of Us in Pain Would Like You to Know